well i said that i will update this before july comes. even if this will most probably be a most stupid exercise resulting in severe and chronic longing to bang someone's face with his/her fist, for anyone who ever reads it. hmm, well let's all try to be rational here. there's no need for harsh violence however meaningful or alluring it may sound. so before anything else, lemme just warn you, this is not the most "pleasant" 5 minutes use of time. and seeing that you still possess that awful good looks(with the awfully cute smile) and unmistakable intelligence of yours... i suggest, for you, not to go on... and move on to higher planes in your god applauded existence. spare yourself of the miserable stupidity lesser intelligent humans like myself have to contend with. (jeses krahyst, this splurge of adjectives is enough to leave one induce in vomitting...). so go on, read some more useful or entertaining stuff, like the proclamation of gma. or the metro manila filmfest winners.

drat. disclaimers are such beastsl---errr, but anyway, enough about that, let's move on to the more pressing subject at hand. i've been doing some research lately, investigating on the interesting phenomenon sweeping most households today, one tv set at a time: soap operas. well, surely i recognize the fact that this has been well prevalent for some time now, ever since marimar landed on our shores sometime in the late nineties but what---ever.., recent discussions with friends..., lately, have led me to consider taking a more closer look at some of these, what you might call prime time favorites. and take a close look i did. whatever i can manage, when i can sneak home before the late hours of the night. whatever my capacity for "mushyness" allows me to anyway.

then the question hit me. these soaps all look the same. they all sound the same. it all follows a similar path. (stupid things to ponder, yes... but at this point, with my boss kept busy with his own stuff and me all done with my last project and roughly about 3 hours to go before log out, i guess i have too much time on my hands, so...) surely there must be a rule which governs the tear drenched universe that is ... pinoy melodrama. and after months (okay maybe only a month or two) of indulging in daily doses of these syrupy hits, this is what i came out with, a sure-fire and guaranteed formula that many has used to concoct your everday soap.


The following has been a closely guarded secret document of the nation's leading networks. It has, until lately, only been in the possession of top network executives and head honchos of the creative department. We have reason to believe that this serves as a protocol to be strictly followed by whoever it is hired as a screenwriter whenever the network executives decide on coming up with another soap to rival that of the other network... or whatever.

screenwriter eyes only
the bigwigs of this network has decided to produce a new soap opera to rival that of the other network. it appears that the other network is raking in more profits than us. it is urgent that we get some lion's share of the advertiser's money.
one of the bright minds of the network suggest we use another term aside from melodrama or soap opera. replace it with a hybrid word like -- telepantasyanoveleta, this way it would sound fresh and new. and people wouldn't notice it's the same.
this paper will serve as your guideline in writing the script.

1) the final draft has to involve at least one hospital scene (of course it follows that you're not limited to using only one hospital scene. the rule has been, the more the better). this will give a perfectly good and sound reason for the protagonist/bida to shed tears. and at length.

2) there has to be at least one mercedes benz (or a ford expedition, or pajero, or whatever vehicle considered expensive and luxurious by the common working class pinoys). Preferably it would be owned by the antagonist/kontrabida to demonstrate his/her tremendous wealth, power and influence.

3) there has to be one scene involving an exploding vehicle. or anything that can explode at that. this will serve as a means to show off the prowess of our special effects and post production department as well as our access to the latest in pyrotechnics technology. this can also serve as a device that will divert the story leading to rule #1.

4) there has to be a comic relief. preferably this would come in the form of the protagonist/bida's best friend. the best friend/comic relief's dispostion or attitude must be the exact opposite of the protagonist/bida (on this vein, the comic relief must be the complete opposite--every step of the way! if the bida will shed a tear, at every ounce of teardrop, the comic relief must take this as a signal to motivate the bida and dish off every goddamn abused joke in the book).

5) there must be a murder plot. even for the most miniscule reason, there would be someone who would be compelled to murder somebody. this would add suspense to the story.

6) if there would be a scene involving a drinking spree, involving one of the major characters, everyone present should portray their drunken stupor and "jolliness" by continously shouting out "HOOOOH" and "WAAAAH". preferably, this happens throughout the whole scene breaking only if the major character needs to deliver a line.

7) the protagonist/bida belongs to a poor family. (as if you didn't see this coming). to emphasize this further, there'll always be one member of the household mentioning, in the most melancholic fashion, about some unsettled debt they have to pay. (as if that ain't obvious) one line has been prepared and determined by our creative department to prepare the scene efficiently, you can use this as often as you like: "ay onga pala, nakita ko si mang/aling _____..."



i never said this wasn't going to be stupid.